BOX OF AWESOME ADVICE COLUMN

ADVICE COLUMN:  ASK A MAGNETIC POETRY LITTLE BOX OF AWESOME KIT

Dear Magnetic Poetry Little Box Of Awesome Kit,

Last week I stole about $200 from an elderly woman who had fallen asleep in her wheelchair in our local park when no one was around, and today I just ran into her at the Wal-Mart when I went to get some diapers and a new digital.  Apparently she works there as a greeter, but she did not welcome me to Wal-Mart even though she looked right at me!  I was feeling a tad guilty, but not too much.  Like I wasn’t losing sleep or anything, and life is for the living, right?  And I don’t know, she was just really old and looked so peaceful.  I thought maybe she was slipping through the cracks of history and onto the next life, you know what I mean?  I mean, I thought maybe she was dead.  And what’s she going to do with 200 bucks then anyway?  Why’d she have all that cash on her in the park for crying out loud?  Maybe she was up to something nefarious.  Now I think she may know it was me, like maybe one eye was just a little bit open?  She had those wraparound sunglasses that old folks wear, so I couldn’t tell.  She wasn’t moving or anything and her breathing looked really slow, and kinda measured, you know how someone does when they’re in a coma on TV?  Shit I don’t know.  Now I’m afraid she might have told the security guard over by the pretzel stand or something.  Should I go into hiding?  Leave the state?  Maybe try to talk to her and see what she knows?  What should I do?

-Scared in Boca Raton

 

Dear Scared,

That is so super!  This world is fantastic for good and I like love.  Everything is awesome!  Human ideas are always amazing and cool.  This is the coolest and most brilliant and awesomest day.  Make the most of being.  Have brilliant things for us to rock.  With this idea I will totally be incredible for good, cool.

 

Dear Magnetic Poetry Little Box Of Awesome Kit,

I recently found out that a couple of my coworkers are having an office affair.  Look, I know this kind of stuff is really none of my business, but I think they might actually be engaging in some of their illicit behavior on other employees’ desks!  I have frequently come into the office and found documents, paper clips, and a stapler on the floor.  Plus the copier looked like it had moved a little bit.  Not to mention I found a suspicious looking wrapper on my keyboard.  I need your advice.  How should I handle this situation?

—Confused in Nantucket

 

Dear Confused,

That is absolutely amazing!  I have a brilliant idea that is awesome.  The best thing possible for this person is to make the most awesomest world possible for every human.  Be cool and fantastic and you rock!  You are so super and the coolest always amazing and the most perfect person possible.

 

Dear Magnetic Poetry Little Box Of Awesome Kit,

My mother in law has been staying with us for three months now to help out with the triplets I just gave birth to a few months ago.  I shouldn’t complain really, but three months is a long time, even with triplets.  It’s just, I don’t know, we need all the help we can get, but I’m worn thin and am feeling like it’s not really helping anymore.  Plus she has been eating all of our food and doesn’t offer to pay for any of the groceries, which I kind of get, since she’s helping us out and all.  But, it’s the little things, like she always chews with her mouth open very loudly.  It actually woke me up from my nap on the couch the other day and she was all the way in the kitchen!  And she breathes loudly too and sometimes talks to herself in a very low voice and I don’t know what she’s saying, like is she talking about me or my babies?  She doesn’t have an end date to staying with us and hasn’t bought a bus ticket yet.  Do you think if I just offered to pay for her ticket she would get the hint?  Or should I just ask her outright?  My husband is no help in the matter either, he just says, “sweetie pie, she’s helping us out, okay?”  Ugh.  I’m just at the end of my rope here and could really use your advice.

-Annoyed in Biloxi

 

Dear Annoyed,

Every excellent idea is fantastic for anything!  Be brilliant and amazing always.  I love every fantastic good absolutely.  Human love and this world is the coolest and awesomest thing for super fantastic rock like awesome ideas make me awesome.  You’re like my most best thing, totally incredible, fantastic human we like love always being possible.  Good for being always make every excellent anything possible for being coolest day ever.

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