GIVE THE GIFT OF RETRIBUTION:  TOP 10 COMEUPPANCES

Lenny Leonard, the most elegant interlocutor of “The Simpsons,” lived up to his full name when he uttered “There’s nothing like revenge for getting back at people.”  While nothing will annoy your enemies more than your forgiveness, we here at Didn’t Know I Wanted That think you can have significantly more fun by raising the stakes and giving the gift of revenge.

We’ve all been there…the annoying neighbors who play their music too loud and too late, the coworker who takes credit for your ideas, the “friend” who talks behind your back, or perhaps even a spouse that won a recent argument and the score needs to be settled.  We’d like to share some ideas to serve up some ice cold revenge and cool your boiling blood.

1)  Do you have someone in your life who is just plain mean and rude to everyone they encounter?  Well, this special candy gift can be sent anonymously and should do the trick as long as your intended recipient is at least semi-intelligent and isn’t so narcissistic that he lacks any insight.  Bonus:  Comes with a card that says, “Eat a bag of dicks!”

BAG OF DICKS SENT ANONYMOUSLY

2)  Next in our lineup is the perfect gift for someone who gets under your skin by being too upbeat and superficially happy all the time.  Someone who says things like, “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays.”  This, dear reader, is for the them (note, not an actual bomb):

MISFORTUNE COOKIE GLITTER BOMB

 

3)  This next one is for the overly macho, aggressive, bully type who is always trying to push people around.  Most likely drives a sports car he can barely afford or a mega-sized truck with custom rims.  You can send this anonymously and require that the recipient has to sign for the item, so we recommend sending it to him at work.  It’s just a box, but you can also put something in there if you want to add insult to injury:

MICRO PENIS CURE SENT ANONYMOUSLY 

4)  Know a woman who also acts this way?  Well, same idea, different box (note, can also send this to a man):

BIG ASS DILDOS SENT ANONYMOUSLY

5) We don’t think this next one needs any explaining, but hopefully the recipient will be nudged to ponder what they did to deserve this:

A SACK OF SHIT

6)  This next one is ideal for a roommate or live-in partner who never does their fair share of cleaning.  Simply spray a few pumps of this, evacuate immediately, and drive the offender crazy as they clean the entire house trying to find the source.  Be warned, a little goes a long way:

LIQUID ASS

 

7)  So you’ve tried talking to this person, tried using reason with someone who does’t value logic or your opinion.  You must spell it out for them in explicit detail with methods backed by science:

HOW NOT TO BE A DICK:  AN EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE GUIDE

If that still doesn’t work, take it a step further with this one:

SO PEOPLE SAY YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE

8)  Ok guys, sometimes you have a hard time having this talk with your guy friends.  Best to avoid any awkwardness and just give this to the perpetrator of this inexcusable behavior:

NOBODY LIKES A COCKBLOCK

9)  Did you miss the perfect opportunity for a comeback and only now just thought of this?  Have no fear, George Costanza has been there before!  The more time that passed since you were wronged and when you send this, the better:

THE JERK STORE CALLED.  THEY’RE RUNNING OUT OF YOU.

10)  Finally, know someone who has slowly gotten under your skin and has started to fester and test your good graces?  Give the gift of this candle that smells amazingly good for about 2-3 hours and then reveals its inner self:

GOOD TO BAD SCENTED CANDLE:  FRESH ROSES TO SWEATY BUTT CRACK

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